I am alone in a bar called 1987 in a foreign country watching twelve television screens of different sizes display the Eurovision Song Contest, our internet feed is so temperamental that at every tense moment the screens go blank and the entire bar screams. My favourite aspect of the contest is when the independent countries deliver their telephone votes, the presenters in the host countries grow so bored of receiving praise that they turn into thankless bitches.

Hello Stockholm! Shout the people elected to represent their country to the rest of Europe, it’s been a wonderful occasion unlike any other, I am always astounded by this admission because the show has been frankly identical to the proceeding year, apart from when Loreen won because that was obviously next level or when Dana International fell over with the trophy.

Ukraine’s votes are delivered by their entry from about four years ago Verka Serduchka, who
deserves a special mention for the abiding looks alone. As with most things, I am less concerned with where our attention is supposed to be drawn and more taken with the facilitating circus and the bits around the edges.

This year the contest is hosted by Carol McGiffin from ITVs Loose Women and last year’s winner Måns Zelmerlöw, who is dressed like a straight acting gay estate agent. Carol is seamlessly professional as usual, expertly negotiating even the most awkward punchlines. At one point we are treated to an insightful skit with everybody’s favourite contemporary anachronism Gandalf McKellen and that dude who played Francis Bacon in Love Is The Devil.

Each of the actual performances wash over me and I begin to wonder whether Cliff Richard is
watching at his home in Barbados and what’s on his mind or whether Jedwood are still performing live. With and impending and sickening European Referendum on the horizon and Russia on the verge initiating world war, I can’t help but think there’s something especially pertinent about this
year’s competition.

Ultimately Ukraine are victorious over Australia with Russia in third place and United Kingdom somewhere near the end. Our entry is truly awful, like two people you went to school with and forgot existed playing a song they wrote an hour earlier, but all that is beside the point, whether it’s Englebert Humperdinck, Bonnie Tyler or whoever, I really fucking hope we’re there to loose again next year.

– The Aphex Twink